Waking Up

    I dreamed about her again last night. We were in a pool and we would talk for hours and hours until she would get impossibly closer to me. She touched my face and looked me in the eyes. “It’s okay”, she whispered, and I could smell her sweet breath on my face and I could feel the heat coming out of her body. As we got closer, my heart was beating inside my head and and my lungs were about to burst: I was where I had always wanted to be. Then we got interrupted.

    The dream went on and suddenly we were walking. There was a comfortable silence as we both thought about what had (almost) happened back in the pool. As I realized that she was leaving, I looked at her, sadness written all across my face.

    “Don’t worry, we have all the time in the world” she said and smiled, as a tear fell from my eye.

    I woke up alone in the darkness of my room.

    I was still crying.

***

    I also dreamed about her the other day.

    We were walking through the streets talking about something that I don’t quite remember. But our hands were intertwined and I could feel her soft skin against mine. My thumb caressed the back of her hand and I could smell the signature scent of her favorite body lotion.

    I woke up curled up on my bed holding my own hand.

***

    Waking up after dreams like these hurts. So much that you spend days feeling lightheaded by the shock of reality, and empty because all those feelings of blissfulness are gone. And they felt real, so real that you were sure you could touch and hold and kiss…

    It makes me think that my brain is trying to rub on my face the fact that I will never be that happy. That I’ll never get that close to you and that you’ll never like me like that and all that’s left for me is loneliness and darkness.

    But maybe my brain is only trying to comfort me. It is allowing me to experience all these feelings and sensations at least once in my life. Even if it’s all made up; even if it’s only a dream.

***

    The dream is not the problem.

    Waking up is the problem.

    And I wonder if it’s worth to wake up at all.

(Originally written in 2018)

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